Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
