I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
