Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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