She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I got inside last night via doggy door
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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