During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
