I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize