I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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