Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
That accounts for only three of the penises
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
