I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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