Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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