i permit you to call me
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
