And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize