he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
