I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
