don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
