i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize