Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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