Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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