bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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