Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
