even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
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