I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
