Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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