You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
