to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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