When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
