Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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