the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize