You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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