Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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