You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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