This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
When are your genitals available?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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