Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
