i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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