I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
