I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
