I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
