i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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