You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
