I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
