I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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