Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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