I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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