Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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