Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
