Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
