i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
