also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
