Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
