Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
