The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
