its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
