im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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