Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
