Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
