I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
