why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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