i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
